Day 28 – Richard Berry

It’s not easy being the only ninja in Kirkby in Ashfield. 

People expect. People expect me to uphold the highest traditions of the Japanese medieval spy assassins. But there are certain everyday little practical difficulties associated with my creed. 

Example. 

Last night I was in bed staring at the powder blue ceiling that I’ve been allowed to stick little silver cardboard stars on. I consulted a Sunday Telegraph astrology chart nurse Caroline gave me to ensure that the positions of the stars are correct. They know how to look after me here. I hope I have time to finish locating the stars before I have to leave. I don’t trust the other patients to finish my work. It’s the first universe I’ve created so it’s not been easy. Doctor Clive visited me this morning. I could tell he was impressed to be working with a fellow scientist.

I asked Doctor Clive if my bed could be moved into a position so that it points from north to south, with the headboard north. Presently, it points from west to east and I’m sure it contributes to my irritable bowel syndrome. You see it’s all about flow. The sea, the moon, the stars and blood all move in a given way, and we should not do anything to interrupt this. It’s the same with food; there’s a rhythm. Munch thoroughly and masticate well. The interconnectedness of all aspects of life, that’s the ninja way.

Bed realignment would enhance my flow of positive energy.  I have never seen Doctor Clive before but he wears a white coat, and always looks ill, so I think he’s the real deal. Doctor Clive made a note of my request for bed realignment and told me a fascinating story. Charles Dickens always insisted his bed pointed in the right direction at each inn or guesthouse he stayed at when he travelled around reading his long stories to people. I must stay at an inn because they refuse to move my bed in a Travelodge.

 Doctor Clive smiled at the nurse who says she’s called Caroline, the one who watches ‘Neighbours’ and reads me her horoscope. She’s a Capricorn. I’ll be glad to see the back of her. They don’t let me have newspapers because they upset me, but nurse Caroline keeps me abreast of current affairs. She promises to tell me who wins ‘Big Brother’ and if that wedding goes ahead in Coronation Street. I like her. And yet people criticize the National Health Service. But they are shallow shady Samurai who haven’t experienced the level of care and professionalism that I have. 

Doctor Clive wrote a lot of notes on his pad, and said he would see me at the mental health review tribunal tomorrow. I didn’t know I had to be there. I’m not sure I want to go. Doctor Clive tells me that I might have to speak but I don’t like being the centre of attention and they don’t teach public speaking at the Ninja Academy. And I don’t like being asked questions. It’s rude. I like Doctor Clive and thanked him for coming to visit me.

I digress. 

I was about to turn over in bed last night when I thought about the bed bugs I might crush. I could be committing insecticide in my sleep. I know some ninja brothers use little brushes to sweep them away before turning over. But I wonder, how can I be sure that I have swept all the bugs away if they cannot be seen with the naked eye? I asked nurse Caroline for a microscope but she was unable to help. I will ask the chairman at the hearing tomorrow; Doctor Clive tells me he’s called Mr. Robert Melville CBE. He has letters after his name, and so he must be wise or wealthy. 

I hope they let me out tomorrow. 

Some patients are strange and haven’t heard of the ninja. Or they tell me they haven’t. They unnerve me with their swearing and shouting. They may be harmless but I am trained to be on guard at all times. I lie under the bed and pretend to be a stone on a river bed so that they do not notice me. I let their harsh words and bad karma flow over me. Like I said it’s all about flow using the earth’s natural rhythms. I suspect that you are weighed down by the misapprehension that as a ninja I would be looking for violence. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I avoid conflict, but if it comes my way I deal with it. So yeah, if you are a pissed off Samurai walking up Aspley Drive pointing your naginata at me, then all I can say is, be prepared for war! 

But this morning when it all kicked off on my ward, I lay under the bed and I stayed as still as the tiger about to pounce on its prey. I held my breath. My body blended into the darkness and I felt myself sink into the ground.  The art of disguise is essential for the ninja. 

People don’t realize the difficulty in pretending to be a stone.

I was practising when I was arrested standing next to a concrete lion in the big square in Nottingham. The policeman told me I was causing an obstruction although he was the only person near me. Police are more sympathetic to Samurai. 

I protested. 

I demanded to consult the I Ching before answering any questions and asked him if I could borrow his yarrow sticks. A crowd gathered, peered and prodded me like I was an exhibit in a zoo. I concentrated hard, but I must have moved. 

I miss my videos. I have ten episodes of ‘Kung Fu’ with David Carradine and a full series of the ‘Water Margin.’  I saw my lawyer yesterday and I promised her that she could borrow the videos when I get out. The lady looks tired and has many reports to wade through.  I suggested she turns her bed to face the right direction. I sense her inexperience because she told me that if we lose tomorrow I will be here for another six months.  

I told her that she is deluded.